Happy & Sad Times

March is a wonderful month because it is the month that Don & I first saw each other in the MTC in March of '93 (briefly talked to each other - my ASL group was leaving & his group was just arriving), & then 3 years later in March of '96 we met again & really talked & that's where I say we first really met. Then in March of '97 we were married. My first two daughters were born in March. So March is really a happy month for us with all the celebrations. However, this year it was a sad month for us too.
On March 17, I had a regular appointment with my midwife. There were no problems to report of. I was 2 days away from being 14 weeks and finally feeling better. I was so happy to make it through the first trimester and not be feeling so sick anymore. The appointment started out fine. She measured me, blah blah blah - all the usual stuff. Everything was fine. She talked with me about different tests & we just caught up a bit. She is the midwife I have had for all my kids except Courtney. Right before the end of the appointment she says, we're going to listen for the baby's heart beat & then we will see you again in 6 weeks. She couldn't get the baby's heart beat with the little Doppler, I didn't think anything of it. She says - it just because the baby's so small and moving around, sometimes it is hard to get it. So she says, we're going to cheat & bring in the small ultrasound machine. She brings that in. She uses it for several minutes & then says, I need to get a second opinion, it might be nothing, but I just can't find a heart beat. A doctor comes in the room & also can't get a heartbeat. Sara, my midwife, tells me it is either one of two things, either their small ultrasound machine is not picking the heartbeat up (which sometimes that can happen) or the baby's heart is not beating. I can't remember everything she told me, but she told me these things so tenderly & kindly. So she called the hospital and they wanted me to go there since the ultrasounds there are bigger & very accurate.
I had Dayton & Emma with me. When I left the appointment, all I could think of was "this cannot be happening, I have to just pray & think positive that the machine just couldn't pick up the heartbeat." I called Don and he met me at his parents' as I dropped off Emma & Dayton. Courtney & Melanie were at school & going to a neighbor's home afterwards. Don & his dad gave me a blessing before we went to the hospital. I knew once he started giving me the blessing, that our baby had died and this wouldn't turn out like I had wanted. We went to the hospital and they quickly got us in and did the ultrasound. Well the baby didn't have a heart beat. I knew it the moment I saw the screen. I had come for a sonogram 5 weeks ago & saw the baby moving & the heartbeat. We asked her how far along the baby was & if she could tell if it was a boy or a girl. She said the was pretty sure the baby was a boy (& it looked like a boy to us too) & he was about 13 1/2 weeks according to the measurements when his heart stopped, so it would have happened probably a day or so before. The doctors & my midwife recommended I get a D & C since the baby was so far along & they thought I would have complications if I didn't. We were in shock that night, I guess I never thought this would happen after 12 weeks, & I felt the same as I had with my other good pregnancies. I thought everything would be the same. Anyways, it was a terribly sad week for us. I know worse things can happen in life, I know we are very blessed to have four healthy children and a wonderful family, & I know loosing a baby that you actually held is much worse, but it still is a sad thing to happen. Thanks to Don's parents for watching the kids so much last week. I had the D & C last Wednesday, there were no complications, & physically I am feeling just fine now.
This week, I started reading about miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, etc. on the internet & found out after an ectopic pregnancy the chances of having a normal pregnancy to full term are 60%. So I really beat the odds with no complication with any of my four other babies. I guess another thing I learned was - I always thought that having a miscarriage/ectopic (losing a baby in pregnancy) as your first pregnancy is harder than losing a baby in pregnancy when you already have children. But this one has been just as sad if not sadder as the first baby we lost ten yrs ago. Anyways, I don't mean to sound depressed -because I'm not, - just sad it happened - & I just wanted to write down a few of my feelings since I am using this blog as a journal.
Don & I had planned to go to Leavenworth, Washington for our anniversary that weekend. I really felt it would be very therapeutic for us to just get away & I didn't want to cancel it even with all that happened last week. So we left Friday night after Don's work & got into Leavenworth late Friday night. Leavenworth is a little German/Bavarian town east of Seattle - about 4 1/2 hours from here. The weekend was very relaxing. Just what we needed, time to just spend together & just enjoy each other. We spent all day Saturday just walking around the shops & museums, looking at all the tourist stuff. We found out that Leavenworth was not really settled by Germans. It use to be a old railroad & mill town. When the railroad & the mill moved, the town started dieing. So the town got together & tried to figure out a way to keep the town alive. They decided to do tourism & settled on a Bavarian theme (they considered western, Scandinavian, & others themes) but thought the mountains around the town really resembled the mountains in Bavaria. So in he 1960's they transformed the town into a Bavarian/German town. Since then many Germans have moved there. It is a beautiful town with all the neat little shops and buildings. Everything there (even the Subway sandwich shop & McDonald's) have the German look to it. We enjoyed trying a huge variety of yummy Meats & Cheeses. We had delicious bread & that night had delicious German food. Don & I always like to order the sampler platters, that way we can taste everything. A man in the restaurant walked around singing & playing an accordion. It's kind of a lost art, you don't see many of those around today. Anyway, we had a very enjoyable, relaxing day.
We left Sunday morning and drove back to Portland. Now the drive back to Portland was an adventure itself. It had just started snowing just as we left. There a mountain pass that we had to pass through in order to reach Seattle. Well that pass was terribly snowy. The pictures I took of it are just as we entered the pass. It got so bad that we couldn't even see the road - no tire marks, nothing - just driving on the snow. We didn't have chains on, my front tires were bald, & to top it off the fuel pump in the car had just broke (that's another story -- just never run out of gas), Anyway so anytime we would brake & let go of the gas the car would kill - & once the car kills the power brakes & the power steering do not work. & Yes it is pretty scary driving down a snowy, windy mountain pass when you have to brake a lot & the car keeps killing & the brakes/steering stop working. Needless to say I was very tense praying constantly that we could make it out, & very glad I was not driving the van. Once we got to Seattle the rest was smooth sailing - just driving in the rain with no mountain hills - so we didn't kill that much. Here's some pictures of beautiful Leavenworth. It was a fun place to go - we recommend it.